Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
