Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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