you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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