Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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