I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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