did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I deserve this hangover.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
