you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
