Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize