You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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