Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
