Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
