clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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