After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize