It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize