Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
