I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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