I want you more than these girls want KFC
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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