the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
