Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
