Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
