he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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