can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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