I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
