They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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