The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
