Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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