i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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