Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
