I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
