I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
