I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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