You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
