Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
