I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
