i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
