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So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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