If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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