i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
try to milk me bitch
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