today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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