i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
