Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
