I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
