some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
