Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
