I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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