connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
