My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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