I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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