It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
