I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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