but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
