i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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