I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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