Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
