I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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