If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
