i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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