At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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